It's perfectly normal for women to say "I hate guys".
It sounds very queer for guys to say "I hate women".

and I'm not gay. It's sorta not funny so don't ask me if i am ever again.

$2 for a hospital parking?? I rather operate myself

I thought this attitude of Bruneians was pure stereotypical. This held me up at the hospital parking lot for a good 4 minutes as some cheap sap complains to the booth that the parking seems 'overpriced'.

If only the guy didn't buy that stupid spider web sticker for the back of this car, i'm sure he has funds in excess to cover for the godforsaken parking fee, which seems to cloud his opinion for the free medical benefits he is receiving, which usually runs in the thousands of dollars.

Shame on you metro parking. Shame shame.

Lesson learned #2 : For heavens sake, Airul. Don't go commando the next time you go for a message...

When i did a road trip of New Zealand, ive experienced this unmatched feeling of freedom and a sense of space.

So i thought... The trip to Kota Kinabalu promised images of serene beauty and as well as the liberating feeling being on the long winded road. A thriving city that's settled next to a beautiful harbours and bays. With a retail experience that may not compare to KL, Singapore or Sydney but offers a contentful level of temptation to purchase.

Not.

My parents, sister and her husband brought along 2 nephews and 2 nieces. After waking up from the first day, i told my nephew to go take a bath.. and brush his teeth before we kick the day off with breakfast.

"inda mau", he said. I covered my face with my hands and i knew.. that this was going to be the start of a long long holiday

It turns out the kids werent the only ones who i had to mind. It was the ageing section of our party that i had to run after. With the age being indirectly proportional to temper, dad had pretty much a lot to say about nothing. By the end of the trip, i was literally coughing, sneezing and sick from stress.

Buuuut, im not going to the bad stuff. because I did, however, gained and experienced so much out of this small trip (patience is one of them haha) and even more better was the chance for me to fully appreciate these moments.

I realised, when compared to KK drivers and the use of roundabouts, Bruneian drivers are half as shit as what i thought them to be. KK drivers are one of the worst users of roundabouts, like ever. Any space that exists in the road is an invitation to zoom in. Signals was just fanciness in function

And going pass through Limbang twice, i've also come to realise that the people there... they dont want to be part of Brunei anyway. As shit as their roads are and with a noticeable lower standard of living across the border.. these guys are content to be Malaysians. I really don't blame them, being predominantly christian, who the hell wants to be under a government that oppresses your belief? Porn is even more easily obtainable in Brunei than the bible. And with that, i can't help but sense a feeling of slight arrogance of ourselves as we parade through the town with our cars paid by our tax free lives and really acting the part that goods are cheaper here. They hate us, no wonder theyre proud to be malaysians. Why do we waste our time in trying to get Limbang? Fuck it, take it, we dont want. I dont.

On our journey back home, it was most unfortunate that we were just battered with really heavy rain. I remembered the time to be 4.32pm, the rain has just eased down. The atmosphere was still cool, so the steaming vapour given off from the forest condensates to form clouds just over the canopy of the forest, giving me the impression of cotton resting on top of the trees.

Just as i drove over the hill, the view made way of magnificient rocky hills that overlook the vast expanse of padi fields. Mists float on top of the fields, like scenes from a horror movie. The trees all around dripping rain water and looking greener than ever after the rain. It's as if i was driving through a painting.

It's times like these that make every bad thing thats happened in the trip, wash away. Now i need to get a massage.

Rant

Okgrhg!! what is it with this country and putting the bloody coffee on top of the milk for latte?
That shit is poisonous

I am just so damn tired. For the past 3 weeks, i have had nothing to do but constant work work work and more work.

what keeps me going is the thought that just in a weeks time, all of this would be over. 19 years of education is coming to a close. It's an overwhelming feeling yknow..

There were 2 people who planned to graduate late till next year. Now, one of them ditched this plan to join the rat race early. I am now alone to face this.

I've gone over the initial tantrum after hearing this news, and decided to just graduate late, with advice from lots of people. This decision has also attracted heaps of nagging, "but this will affect your seniority"

This may be the foolishness of my youth speaking, but to be honest i don't really care if this affects my 'seniority'. 10 years from now, my working experiences will be just as valuable as those who graduated a few months before i did. If it doesn't, then life will beckon for me to move somewhere else where people will value my experience. i hear Dhahran, Russia or California pays heaps well.

But believe it or not, i think a swanky title that throws 400k a year is within reach, especially now when oil is ridicuously expensive (and will always be). Hence, why it doesnt bother me much. My main priority is finding happiness and peace (it's cliche, ya i know, but ive given so much thought into this), soemthing i dont want to be looking for, way into my old age.

and that.. is something that i find really hard to explain people why, especially in midst of them laughing their ass off at me.

Or issit that i'm growing up too quickly and worrying about these things too early?

I think blogs are evil.

I dont know whenever i feel like writing in it, all the worst things in life surface and i end up writing the worst side of me.

Heh, so long.

I've been getting the piss by the whole school with them complaining about the society about all sorts. I dont really get why people complain to me

The shit feeling i'm feeling has gone to waaaaay another level

Wheres a cliff to let it all out when you need one? It doesnt feel the same shouting it all out in the bathroom or in the house,theres always the conscious feeling of trying to control the volume.

sigh

Friends laughed at me for signing up for that sydney2surf 14km run

I did it, baby

I've been in an irritable mood lately (well, so what else is new...)

I suppose dad was nearly a victim of my unnecessary fit. For the thousandth time, he keeps asking me hows Sydney weather and asking me what him and mom will do when they visit me in a few months time.

I dont know why im in such an irritable mood. I'm pretty much ashamed of myself for even thinking of giving such unenthusiastic answers. The man is old and spent mostof his life working hard for my better future. Cut him some slack, Airul.

and i did. I'm proud of it. Only god knew how hard it was to surpress such irritable moods to make way for love to come through. Hope god will be the one to reward my efforts soon and hereafter.

One of the biggest mysteries in life for me is that i still dont know how tall i am..

Lesson learnt: Never fry something without wearing clothes.

Reasons why i feel the crappiest in all my life's history

1) some shit i dont want to talk about.

2) My thesis is getting shit. The guy whos marking the next component is actually the guy who genuinely do not like me. This causes me stress and now, i am suffering from insomnia, and its still early semester.

3) APEC emailed me. my role as a volunteer is a parking officer. A parking officer in some warehouse in an isolated part of the city. They went all the trouble to get embassy to get me to volunteer cause they insisted they want a Bruneian, then they called me up for an interview with an australian newspaper to promote apec but now, theyre hiding me in some warehouse for APEC where i would not have any human interaction,which i find depressing. It doesnt make sense. Like ive been used.

4)All this happened when I've lost colours of my life. eg. I used to be amused hongkies playing football like assholes whenever i walk home pass the field, now theyre just plain assholes playing football. I've gone bitter, which seems to impede me from cheering myself up.

5) i'm a bloody good guy, so why are these happening to me?

6) i realised talking to people doesnt help cause no one genuinely gives a shit anymore, except for this blog.

I wish nothing more than god granting me the blessed gift to continue being patient with life. Amin.

Some things look better
just passing through

I keep on day dreaming that once i start work, ill just collect enough money and just get lost to somewhere. Fuck it, ill go even if no one wants to tag along. The best time to go is when youre young and free.

It's the thought that theres just so many places in the world and it'll be a shame to not attempt to go there just for the sake of experience.

But a bombshell called reality hit me. I just realised that theres so much stuff that i have to pay especially when im young.

Basic Salary + Bonus - Money for parents - debt - useless shit ill buy when im a graduate - life investment - rent - food - activities= Not fucking much for me to save for travel.

why am i turning into such a pessimist? heh, what an asshole ive become.

I lost my phone and my friend actually sent it all the way to my coursemate's house

Can't believe it, the people who helped me the most were people who i thought were assholes in the school.. i guess they all have their beautiful side in life...

im grateful and very ashamed for being judgmental. I'll always be though.. i find it amusing

i've been haunted by similar nightmares for the past few nights.

What come out of my dreams was a realisation of what i can conclude as to be my greatest fear, a fear that i havent been ignoring, pretty much all my life. I've dreamed i was dying.

Well, dying is scary but death is not what made me jump out of my sleep and out of bed everytime with cold sweats.

but It's the fact that i dont think i have done enough to earn a place in heaven

I kept on dreaming that i'd say that i dont want to go when it was time. That itself was a really depressing thing. It's the fear of not getting a second chance when it matters the most.

women gets it easier.. heh.. lucky.

A cure for insomnia

Hauntingly peaceful song...

plunging into a depression, oh so familiar.

I just had a chat with dad.. on MSN!

for his 67th birthday, the ciblings got their money together and got him a laptop with wireless connection to espeed.

My dad is computer illiterate. He didnt even know how to switch on the laptop.

now hes buying golf equipment fromt he net and im chatting with him on MSN!!
and His typing speed has noticeably improved! and its only been 2 weeks!! godddamn

Bless him, he never fails to inspire me even at an age. and here i go whingin' about my challenges.

The song is for dad, sing it!



I had a picture of youuu in my minddd~!

I'm so proud to be part of this fraternity. My years back in scouts were nothing less but constant fun. It's funny that i see a couple of old scout mates made it in Shell! Happy 100 years of scout movement to all scouts!

You haven't been a boy till you've joined scouts =P

I wanna drive down the road on that rocky desert and come across a classic soda pop dispenser.

Not much, but liberating or refreshing i can imagine.

I saved a person (again) from getting hit by a car.

What did i get?

another '..heh'

Figures... all the good things ive done, all the favours ive made, all overshadowed by the fact that i might physically look like a creep.

Words cant describe how unappreciated i feel all my life

heck, why should i say hi to people anymore, my name drops off so easily

its why i never had bestfriends, not since primary school.

I'm just the dude that just tells jokes and listen to ramblings about your boyfriends/girlfriends/gayfriends. Im the dude who starts up things like websites and initiatives and end up being criticized.

That's just it! i'm a tree! no one gives a shit about a tree unless they want.. shade or something to piss on. fuck you people, ive changed for the better for you people and STILL get run over.

and in the end, i feel like im on the edge because i try so hard to please people. and thats what trips like new zealand are for, to forget.

I'm making my way out of everyone's lives soon, god willing, someone would stop me.

I am tired and in a contemplative mood.

With tired eyes, a tired mind, with a tired body
I sleep afloat on top of this relaxing melody.
Let problems wash away from the shore
Let no one judge me anymore. no more.

The hills gave way and as the road reached the top, this view popped up...



My senses has been blown for away every mile i have travelled in this journey. No picture, not even my clear memory of how the place looks like could do justice in replicating the beauty.

It's those times when you really start to appreciate the value and extraordinary feeling of living in the moment.

post scriptum, Drove 600km in a day. Making it the longest drive ive made all my life. Seria to BSB is peanuts to me now. Peanuts.

Saw this put up on the wrong-address mail notice board...

Wicked, Jack Chan (or shall i say.. Jackie) lives a few streets away from mine.

How i wish.. how i wish..

Paris Hilton

I think we are spending way too much time paying attention to this woman.

Kids are dying elsewhere. Why cant we give a shit about them?

I just finished watching a DVD with yosh. His last night here in Sydney before heading back to Brunei, like my other housemate. I'll live alone for the rest of the holiday.

I switched off my music and stepped outside my balcony. Amazingly big, i reckon, i don't know how lucky i've been to have this place.

It's cold, weather says it's 12ºc now, heh... feels more like 5ºc to me, freaking cold. It's a perfectly calm night, unlike the rainy ones Sydney has been experiencing for the past few weeks. As an effect, The sky is pretty amazing, surprising for a city which has so much light pollution that dampens the star effects.

Streaks of clouds over the horizon, slowly moving. It's a full moon. stared at it for a good 15 minutes. Never actually done that before. and for the first time, i really started to notice the craters that scarred it.

Probably the best calming effect ive felt in some time. For the 15 minutes, i thought of nothing and felt nothing.

I think i've found the perfect thing to do for a time off.

I received a gift from sheruu. I dont know if i should be flattered or not, since she said the sign totaly reminded of me. Yoshi received one that fit his personality as well haha.

Dunno whether to be flattered or not..but i find it extremely hilarious..

I just finished drawing an artwork on my mirror. inspired by the art 'new beginnings' by thank theory. Picture isn't clear, but what do you expect with a drawing on a mirror made by soap. Yes, soap.


I guess the image should be self explanatory.

But just in case no one picks it up, It's a picture of a man with his finger shaped like a gun pointed on the head. This so called gun is supposedly fired onto his head and his final thoughts are the special feelings towards someone. Instead of blood, brain matter or anything disgustingly gorey coming out his head, all these mysteriously beautiful things comes out... vines, leaves, flowers. Beautiful things that reflect his special thoughts.

Man, that's a really cool concept. i might modify it and put it on a tshirt of something like that.

and i can't really draw arms and hands. the most freaking hardest part of the body to draw, in my opinion. really need to work on that. my draing looks weird

I'd like to show off my future holiday home (pending on future pay, time off and possibly nagging family)


The day id go out bed.. and just jump out the window into the crystal clear waters..is when i can finally agree to myself that the world is over rated.

i feel calm. and there are just so many words id like to say now that ive found some sense of peace over me.

its funny how a million things rush over my head during the semester but once i got out of the exam room, it's like calamity has reigned over the atmosphere.

I went down to the ground floor of the building. There, a group of us, final year petroleum guys stand around in the bittering cold in the foyer and have light hearted conversations. There were about 10 of us, at most, we petroleum are a small group. We all joked around, with the burden lifted off our shoulders. The relief was like having a pillow put on our shoulders instead.

We stood in a circle, joking around. I looked around and see faces that i'll say my best wishes for them at the end of the year. It's a lot more different than friends from high school, these guys are your professional contacts. Amazingly enough, when i see their faces, i see the corporate logos of the companies who've hired them already..just hovering above over their heads.. Chevron... woodside.. shell. I'm proud of them.

The whole situation just reminds me of those endings in movies.. where they focus on everyones faces and put out the stories of whats going to happen to them. "Airul, finished his degree the next year. 10 years later, quit shell and started raising kangaroos" or shit like that. funny where life takes you and exciting to see how these guys will end up. exciting where i'll end up.

its still a semester to go. but i wish the best for everyone.

Exams over.

Free at last, Free at last.
Thank god, we're free at last

-Martin Luther King

I am just twisted whether to join the petro guys to Los Angeles for 2-3 weeks in November for an international petroleum conference and a road trip.

But i cant help thinking that this will be the time of my life... expensive as crazy though. very expensive.. but then again..its during the thesis submition week.. and id have to go back and do stuff again.. its one of those things i really hate to wonder about

I think that the greatest sedation to my loneliness
would be to hail a taxi cab on a cold winter night and just say

"Take me around, no where in particular, for a few hours"

let the hypnotic passing city lights
and the mysterious aura of the night make me forget.

I got this ice box where my heart used to be

I remember going to an RnB club a couple weeks ago and 2 of the songs they played were
'Ice box' by omarion and 'officially missing you' by Tamia and they've remixed the songs to increase the beat and make it into a clubbable music.

I just find it hilarious why they play those 2 songs. I mean.. these 2 songs are (lyrically) the most saddest RnB songs on air today.

I'm confused, man! Should i be sighing or should i be dancing? For shit, i cant do both.
It's like dancing..jus because those cowboys were shooting their guns at your feet

As catchy as the beat and rhythm they made it, I find myself contemplating if it is appropriate for me to grind this fine unknown woman in front of me with a seductive aura to the song that's about being sad in relationship problem.

"yea, im so happy and thrilled to be dancing energetically to a real sad song" <-- does that not sound psycho to anyone?



or maybe i shouldve just hugged her..?

Ooo, can nobody do it like you do~

I think the word 'Kaling' should be considered as a swear word in households in Brunei.

I'm quite confused on the origins of the K word, i know 2 versions. One version means 'friend' in indian language (dont know which dialect) and the other derives from sounds of the sound of shackles of Indian slaves.

Either version, i am sick of how we seem to label other races as if the Malay race is superior.
Dont get me wrong.. the malay race is superior in a way. Deep in history, deep in culture and deep in financial debts.

Even if kaling means friend, we use it in a degradatory way and that is enough justification to stop using that word. We sure get sensitive once those westerners call us 'exotic', dont we?
Fuck that, im not 'exotic'. What am i, a monkey with a pink and green back?

we go "Awww" on pictures of African children dying and starving and lament on the treatment theyre getting. I think whats just as bad is the attitude that goes towards the immigrant workers back at home. People like this are earning bottom of the barrel wages for their own families, working hard, away from their family and loved ones and that in my book, deserves massive respect.

I am tired of how we portray them. That shit has got to change.

I find the concept of paying for ghost movies stupid. I hate ghost movies.

Its funny why i should waste time by adding more misery in my life watching ghost movies. I'm surprised why people would add misery by getting scared the shit out of them and actually paying for it.

I've played this song 10990 times in itunes which makes me crazy. Its awesome, the lyrics are deep and Its sad that theres no real music video about it. Not even videos made by art students! akh, the dissapointment

I want to make a video with this music.. maybe soon in Seria... It's gotta be cloudy and rainy to reflect the moody atmosphere of the song, ill prolly get F to be the actor, hes the emo looking chap.

I got 2 new milk crates as well! I saw 2 green milkcrates at the city just sitting there. Shit, green milkcrates are freakin rare... its just so awkward to carry it into a full bus back home. Opportunities will soon come.

I feel like crap

I'd fail in life if i regret my pursuit of individual success has been achieved with the expense of the time that passes by so quickly.

The Explosionsss in the Skyyyyyyyy

This song is hypnotizing. It's got no lyrics and If i had a life soundtrack to express rebirth and hope, this would be it.

I think it was great that they use this song in the movie "Friday Night Lights" starring Billy Bob Thornton, made the last part of the movie excellent.

The clip below isnt their music video. its a small band, they dont have one! One of those art projects students post up, this one is one of the nicer ones found in youtube.

"Your Hand In Mine" by Explosions in the Sky

The Biggest Loser

This show is hilarious. It seems that the only person who hasnt lost any weight is the host herself.

Won't she feel let down by all the weight lost? Why do they hire a fat host for this show anyway? What irony.

That's like American Idol.. judged by a Bruneian Hip Hop Artist. Head Up, peepz.

I can't spell..

I hate spelling the words..

length, strenght, height, or anything that ends with 'th'..or issit 'ht' because I get confused.

I've disabled the comments for this post. So smartasses can't tell if its correct or not. Let this be the night where i can mispell these words with my own leisure and no one can stop me.

Lenght? is that right? Tonight.. i dont care

Strenght? Dont care, not tonight.

I feel like my hands are tied

Poverty. shocking.

I feel damned and sad for not taking enough effort to convert this expression of sadness to a more decent photoshop other than the stuff i posted below... Maybe soon.

The original photographs are copyright stuff. Sorry if i dont acknowledge photographers enough..its not like im doing it for profit or anything.

Original photos:
a) Kevin Carter's Award Winning Photo
b)Hartmut Schwarzbach / Still Pictures / UNEP
c) Sorry, i dont know where i got the other photo from.

My Sad Addiction

Every Monday and Wednesday, i end my class at 6pm, which is really dark in the autumn and winter months. On the way home, i pass through a childcare centre and they would usually have a milkcrate put out after school for the milkman to change every morning.

Here is a picture of my collection:

Next morning:

Huhuhuhu

I'm out of jokes or at least i'm giving up which ...makes me a boring person.

Boring art and rant will be up whenever i feel like it.

Airul